First things first, when you were running for President I kinda' sort of forgave you when you had no idea how many houses you owned. Mostly, because if I too was as rich as God, if I believed he existed, I might have a problem keeping up. Secondly, I forgave you when it was revealed you didn't go online and had Cindy check your email, because who among us doesn't know old people with wealthy second/third wives who do the same? Lastly, I forgave you when you picked Sarah Palin to be your running mate after meeting with her for 20 seconds, okay... whoops totally lying... I have never forgiven that decision. Thanks to you Sarah Palin aka snowflake snooki, moronica, hott-messica, snowbilly grifter, bible spice and the "dumbest bitch in politics" is still in my face and assaulting me via twitter and facebook with her "musings".
Thanks to her I've "realized" that treason apparently applies to people who aren't American citizens and I've learned that "refudiate" is now a word. Thanks so much John McCain!!! You're a bastard.
But truly, your most recent behavior with "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is nothing short of disgusting. I'm too tired and too disgusted to list your flip-flops, but I will say this, Get over it!!! Obama won, you lost, there is nothing you can do to change it. Acting like the old guy who wants folks to get off his lawn ain't helping. Being "that guy" you know the one... kinda' like George Wallace was -- the person who holds on tightly while civil rights progresses around him? That guy is an embarrassment. That guy is a laughingstock. That guy is "you" and no matter what your handlers tell you, that guy, in 2010/2011/2012 will never be President of the United States, again. Stop listening to your handlers or your gut -- old, racist white guys can't garner enough votes to win a national election again. Black folks woke up, Gays woke up, Latinos woke up and though we're not the majority, when you combine us we're pretty powerful, plus when you mix in young folks... more liberal than ever before, y'all can't do it.
Unlike white middle class folks who vote against their interest... "the tea party" ahem.... there's not the equivalent on the democratic side. So I suggest you give it up at this point, I no longer believe you believe in anything more than expediency and getting your name in the news . Since, I've already witnessed you hire you people in 2007 who tried to destroy in 2004, I completely understand your lack of a moral compass. However, you're a politician, so I have to believe you're at least concerned about your legacy. If I'm right and I'm sure I am, let's just got with that. Don't be the old white guy who can't wipe his own ass, who voted against progress. Because the truth is when it comes to the military, the gays aren't coming, they're already here. Why not welcome them, as they're willing to die for this Country and our useless wars, from where I'm sitting that makes them more patriotic than most.
This is just to say please John McCain STFU and take Cindy with you, because if she can't pick a side and stick with it, stay home bitch. Those of us on the side of the righteous don't need your ass... and as for your daughter, I get it, I too have am curvy w/big boobs, please feel free to explain how those factors make the republican party attractive to my black, 30 something ass. I'm listening... What you have nothing to say...? Oh wait, Michael Steele? How about you also STFU, thanks.
In other words this post is directed to the entire McCain family, STFU. Thanks so much! There, I felt so much better, though I'm not sure it's better enough to continue to live blog sarah palin's Alaska. Two week ago, I spraigned my eyes from rolling them, fyi :)
Yolonda
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Sorry guys,
I take off two days from blogging, mostly to mourn Eva Longoria's marriage. I'm sorry girl, especially cause you were so nice to the writesr when we were on the picket line a couple of years ago. If i didn't say it then, let me just say, thanks for the pizza -- much appreciated and sorry about thing way things shook out with Tony. You're not the first woman to marry a professional athlete and discover that when you're not around, your hubby was double and triple dippin' w/miscellaneous side pieces aka skanks. Don't you watch "Basketball Wives"? That one girl is pretty and she's married to guy w/a goiter on his forehead the size of Texas and he cheats on her as often as he breaths. The tale is almost as old as Jesus, except I'm guessing in those times it wasn't told with basketball players but you get my drift. You want my advice? Take a page out of Sandy's book -- adopt a cute little black baby. Have you seen Louie? He's adorbs, no? Looking at his face or some version of it (I'm not suggesting you steal Louie, you've already got enough on your plate. let's not add kidnapping), will make a world of difference. Think about it, mm'kay? Okay, where was I?
Right.. Simple Sarah has done it again. This moose loving idiot has made me stabbytwice in one week. Gawd help me if she actually runs for President. Who are we kidding? She's gonna run and I'm gonna spend the majority of 2011 and 2012 stabby to the 10th degree. Damn you John McCain!!! Why couldn't you just grow old and cranky in Florida like most old people.
Back to Sarah, allow me to list the things that got me all rampagey.
1) I get it. She's learned two new words -- Quantative Easing-- Good job, Sarah now have a cookie and go sit your ass down. Just because you've learned two new words, it doesn't mean you know what they mean. Allow me to 'splain it... I'm typing slowly so you can follow along ... stop worrying about inflation because of QE (I'm abb-re-vi-ating). We've already been down this road and nothing happened. Remember the QE in 2008. Of course you don't because you're an idiot. Just take my word for it, if only because I managed to graduate from the one and only college I attended in four years... with two majors. The QE in 2008 was approx. 1.5 Trillion dollars. Do you remember the hell that ensued -- hyperinflation, food and house prices through the roof, rioting in the streets, John Boehner unable to afford his orange julius body Spackle? The answer is that of course you don't, because it didn't happen you ninny.
QE #2 is 800 B dollars. Do you see where I'm going? It's less than half of the first QE. This money is a drop in a bucket. I'd get into GDP and how that applies, but it would make even my own eyes glaze over -- so I'll just say, the economy is still for shit. But QE is the least of our problems and if you're so concerned about the economy maybe call up Johnny B and Eric C and ask them if instead of trying to defund NPR and repeal "obamcare" they could come up with a plan for job creation? That'd be awesome.
2) Her daughters Willow and Bristol. No, I'm not gonna pile on them about their facebook rants. Okay, I'm not gonna pile on Willow. She's a child and I know unfortunately that kids use fag**t often. I don't like it but they do. . But what is the deal with Bristol? She's got a child of her own. Why is she even on facebook getting into flame wars with other people. Yes, they were talking about her family. Guess what? You're public figures. People will talk about you. I'm talking about you. Are you going to answer me? At some point, you have to learn how to let stuff go. Your daughter's reaction just underscores what I"ve often said about you Sarah. You are too damned thin skinned to be in politics. Teach your kids to "shake it off," it sure as hell worked for Mariah Carey. And Sarah your grown ass daughter acts like a snarky teen on facebook, because your old ass acts like a snarky teen on facebook. Not to mention, people attacking your daughters on facebook is not an excuse for this behavior. Gay kids are committing suicide at alarming rates. Why couldn't you have used this an opportunity to educate some people? And lastly, and I'll admit it's petty, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Maybe if you kept your kids in school instead of taking them with you every time you traveled to spread your word salad, Willow would know the difference between "your" and "you're". I'm just saying.
3) Today you tweeted that your publishers were leaking out of context portions of your book and you wondered if it was illegal. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE??? These out of context portions are EXCERPTS. It's SOP for a highly anticipated book. As to the legality of such a practice, I won't even get into a little something called "fair use" because I fear the explanation would break your brain. So I'll say... just because you "wrote" a book doesn't mean you "own" it. The publisher has the right to release excerpted portions without asking you/your ghostwriter's permission. You signed a contract. Didn't you read it? Of course you didn't -- well next time you should. If you read anything besides Piper's mad libs, you'd notice that entire chapters of books are excerpted all. of. the. time. The five or six measly passages they've released is nothing. This is how publishers whet the appetite of the book buying public. They're doing this to help sell the effin' thing. They're doing this to help themselves, which in turn helps you to the tune of MILLIONS MORE DOLLARS for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! Just think of how many Armani skirts you can buy with that money -- skirts you won't have to return after the election. Ah... now I can see it's sinking in.
3a) Just the fact that she tweets and sends out facebook messages but won't allow herself to be interviewed by the "lamestream" media and the fact that she calls it that. She wants to be the leader of the free world!!! Who does that? What woman behaves this way and expects to taken seriously on an international stage? And.. does she really think she can run for president and avoid 90% of the press? Really? Seriously? UGH... Do. Not. Want.
i guess I'm done, at least until I liveblog next week's "wasilla hillbillies" reality show. Oh and Sarah if you're reading this... cause we all know you've got google alert damn near tattooed on your tits... all I have to say is "hey girl, keep reading, cause as long as i'm blogging, i'm gonna be talking about you... a lot". :)
Please god, let there be some inane celebrity news to occupy me tomorrow. Writing about Sarah gives me a headache in my eye. Also. Too.
1BlkGrl
I take off two days from blogging, mostly to mourn Eva Longoria's marriage. I'm sorry girl, especially cause you were so nice to the writesr when we were on the picket line a couple of years ago. If i didn't say it then, let me just say, thanks for the pizza -- much appreciated and sorry about thing way things shook out with Tony. You're not the first woman to marry a professional athlete and discover that when you're not around, your hubby was double and triple dippin' w/miscellaneous side pieces aka skanks. Don't you watch "Basketball Wives"? That one girl is pretty and she's married to guy w/a goiter on his forehead the size of Texas and he cheats on her as often as he breaths. The tale is almost as old as Jesus, except I'm guessing in those times it wasn't told with basketball players but you get my drift. You want my advice? Take a page out of Sandy's book -- adopt a cute little black baby. Have you seen Louie? He's adorbs, no? Looking at his face or some version of it (I'm not suggesting you steal Louie, you've already got enough on your plate. let's not add kidnapping), will make a world of difference. Think about it, mm'kay? Okay, where was I?
Right.. Simple Sarah has done it again. This moose loving idiot has made me stabbytwice in one week. Gawd help me if she actually runs for President. Who are we kidding? She's gonna run and I'm gonna spend the majority of 2011 and 2012 stabby to the 10th degree. Damn you John McCain!!! Why couldn't you just grow old and cranky in Florida like most old people.
Back to Sarah, allow me to list the things that got me all rampagey.
1) I get it. She's learned two new words -- Quantative Easing-- Good job, Sarah now have a cookie and go sit your ass down. Just because you've learned two new words, it doesn't mean you know what they mean. Allow me to 'splain it... I'm typing slowly so you can follow along ... stop worrying about inflation because of QE (I'm abb-re-vi-ating). We've already been down this road and nothing happened. Remember the QE in 2008. Of course you don't because you're an idiot. Just take my word for it, if only because I managed to graduate from the one and only college I attended in four years... with two majors. The QE in 2008 was approx. 1.5 Trillion dollars. Do you remember the hell that ensued -- hyperinflation, food and house prices through the roof, rioting in the streets, John Boehner unable to afford his orange julius body Spackle? The answer is that of course you don't, because it didn't happen you ninny.
QE #2 is 800 B dollars. Do you see where I'm going? It's less than half of the first QE. This money is a drop in a bucket. I'd get into GDP and how that applies, but it would make even my own eyes glaze over -- so I'll just say, the economy is still for shit. But QE is the least of our problems and if you're so concerned about the economy maybe call up Johnny B and Eric C and ask them if instead of trying to defund NPR and repeal "obamcare" they could come up with a plan for job creation? That'd be awesome.
2) Her daughters Willow and Bristol. No, I'm not gonna pile on them about their facebook rants. Okay, I'm not gonna pile on Willow. She's a child and I know unfortunately that kids use fag**t often. I don't like it but they do. . But what is the deal with Bristol? She's got a child of her own. Why is she even on facebook getting into flame wars with other people. Yes, they were talking about her family. Guess what? You're public figures. People will talk about you. I'm talking about you. Are you going to answer me? At some point, you have to learn how to let stuff go. Your daughter's reaction just underscores what I"ve often said about you Sarah. You are too damned thin skinned to be in politics. Teach your kids to "shake it off," it sure as hell worked for Mariah Carey. And Sarah your grown ass daughter acts like a snarky teen on facebook, because your old ass acts like a snarky teen on facebook. Not to mention, people attacking your daughters on facebook is not an excuse for this behavior. Gay kids are committing suicide at alarming rates. Why couldn't you have used this an opportunity to educate some people? And lastly, and I'll admit it's petty, but I'm gonna say it anyway. Maybe if you kept your kids in school instead of taking them with you every time you traveled to spread your word salad, Willow would know the difference between "your" and "you're". I'm just saying.
3) Today you tweeted that your publishers were leaking out of context portions of your book and you wondered if it was illegal. DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE??? These out of context portions are EXCERPTS. It's SOP for a highly anticipated book. As to the legality of such a practice, I won't even get into a little something called "fair use" because I fear the explanation would break your brain. So I'll say... just because you "wrote" a book doesn't mean you "own" it. The publisher has the right to release excerpted portions without asking you/your ghostwriter's permission. You signed a contract. Didn't you read it? Of course you didn't -- well next time you should. If you read anything besides Piper's mad libs, you'd notice that entire chapters of books are excerpted all. of. the. time. The five or six measly passages they've released is nothing. This is how publishers whet the appetite of the book buying public. They're doing this to help sell the effin' thing. They're doing this to help themselves, which in turn helps you to the tune of MILLIONS MORE DOLLARS for doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! Just think of how many Armani skirts you can buy with that money -- skirts you won't have to return after the election. Ah... now I can see it's sinking in.
3a) Just the fact that she tweets and sends out facebook messages but won't allow herself to be interviewed by the "lamestream" media and the fact that she calls it that. She wants to be the leader of the free world!!! Who does that? What woman behaves this way and expects to taken seriously on an international stage? And.. does she really think she can run for president and avoid 90% of the press? Really? Seriously? UGH... Do. Not. Want.
i guess I'm done, at least until I liveblog next week's "wasilla hillbillies" reality show. Oh and Sarah if you're reading this... cause we all know you've got google alert damn near tattooed on your tits... all I have to say is "hey girl, keep reading, cause as long as i'm blogging, i'm gonna be talking about you... a lot". :)
Please god, let there be some inane celebrity news to occupy me tomorrow. Writing about Sarah gives me a headache in my eye. Also. Too.
1BlkGrl
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
How do you solve a problem like Jessica
Dearest Jessica Simpson,
On the eve of, what will be your next disastrous marriage, please allow me to help. We don't know one another, but I'm writing in the hopes that you'll do what's best for you and heed my warnings. Sadly, I am an EXPERT at picking the wrong man. So I feel confident in saying "snap out of it". You're the only one who thinks this guy is a good idea.
First things first, you my dear are addicted to "being in love", but when it comes to the relationship part or picking a guy with opposable thumbs, you are not so much equipped. Take John Mayer for example, really? I mean it... really? I get it in terms of the sex, which I'm sure was amazing. In fact, I believe he referred to you as sexual napalm, which by the way, was not very gentlemanly. Don't look at me like that, your ass thought chicken of the sea was actual chicken so I feel the need to spell things out for you. Either way, good sex does not a good relationship make. Anyone with five brain cells to rub together, which isn't you apparently, could see John Mayer is not the best choice for a relationship guy. Not to mention, for all of his doggish ways, he seems fairly intelligent and that is not your strong suit, bless your heart. The next time you date someone and let's be clear, despite what you think now, there will be a next time... walk away if the guy has issues of The New Yorker just lying around his place. That guy is not for you. i could say the same about Billy Corrigan... and even your former gay bf, Ken Paves, but more on that later.
Let's get to the matter at hand, Eric, the new fiance. Listen girl, I get it. I've dated white boys and I get how this particular type of white boy has an appeal. Tall, Nordic looking, the kind of guy who can take a girl like you (and me..) not so much a tiny woman and throw you over his shoulder. It's animalistic, hot and fun... and a certain type of woman knows what that is, has great sex and moves on. Another type gets caught up after only six months and finds herself at Neil Lane buying her own engagement ring. Ahem, Jess pick up the white courtesy phone, I'm talking about you.
Dammit girl, let's just do the math. You are worth over a 100MM (I know it's shocking to me as well, but your bags, shoes and jeans make a shitload of cash) and he is worth... considerably less. When you met him he had already failed at the NFL and was in business school at Wharton. Soon after you "fell in love" he quit school and became a professional boyfriend/traveling companion. Because you are mentally challenged, bless your heart, this is not a red flag. But to the rest of us sentient beings it's not just a red flag, but a red goodyear blimp that flies across the sky from coast to coast.
I can almost imagine how the engagement went down, you heard about Nick's engagement and lost your shit... He appeased you by taking you for a walk. You ended up at Neil Lane went inside to browse. He proposed and you purchased your own ring... end of scene.
Can't you see how this is Chernobyl levels of wrong? Do you even know what Chernobyl is? Allow me to sum it up -- nuclear accident + dead people = gah!!!!
Honey, you're not fooling anyone. We can all see that he's using you. Hell, even Poppa Joe with his weird obsession with your cleavage can see it.
And now I hear that you're capping off this awfulness by refusing to sign a pre-nup? That sound you hear is me banging my head onto my desk... hard and often, while I scream "why, why, why"?
It's one thing to marry this guy. It's another not to protect yourself. Love means never having to say "no prenup". Girl, step away from the ruby in a gold setting and listen. Look I get it, you spent your life being the pretty virginal big sister and it got you a record deal and a marginally cute first husband, who loved you, despite your lack of brain capacity. Sadly, you let poppa Joe and the fact that you were too young and too stupid to be married, ruin it. Poof, gone was your marriage, reality show and career. Cut to: your baby sister became acquainted with the wonders of plastic surgery, lip syncing and starvation and before you knew it, she had a marriage/baby. In your mind it was your marriage and baby, cue the Kim Kardashian pity party music. But unlike Kim, you chose not to roll with the punches of your failed planned life and instead chose to marry the first guy who accepted the "new"you. Except Eric isn't accepting anything. I'm sure you've got much to offer. You seem kind, but dim, and really desperate to be a wife and mother.
Before you walk down the aisle, really ask yourself if this makes sense. Ask yourself if risking your friendship w/Ken Paves was worth it. The best part of having a gay bf is the truth telling. Don't you miss that? Don't you miss having a male friend who doesn't want to sleep with you, but wants to keep your weave on point, while at the same time supporting you emotionally? Don't you miss the gay bf who would have told you NOT to do Project Runway and would have thrown himself in front the D train before letting you wear the dress you wore during the finale? Not to mention, while I agree with you that you're not fat, your gay bf is always around to let you know when you're fat adjacent. It's a condition, only known in Hollywood, where you must fear a certain weight b/c you're constantly being photographed and the camera adds so much weight.
So I write all of this to say that I support you, as I was once a 30 year old woman without a man and none in sight. But I didn't assuage my fears by shitting on my ex-husband's new fiance's news about their engagement. You really screwed with the girlfriend's code of ethics by announcing your engagement mere hours after Vanessa'. But sadly, your announcement looked embarrassing, not cool. I'm just saying... The good news is it ain't over until your "not so much fat, but definitely thicker self, sings".
Heed my warning, he will knock you up a couple of times before you realize you've been Federlined. But unlike Britney's ex, there will be no pre-nup and no undercover good guy who'll want the best for you, once you scratch the surface.
Don't marry this guy, you may not be smart, aware or savvy, but you seem sweet. I'd hate to see you taken advantage of. But if you're gonna do it, at least get a pre-nup, the designers who work for you and the children who make your clothes have worked too hard for you to piss it all away.
I kid because I love,
Yolonda
On the eve of, what will be your next disastrous marriage, please allow me to help. We don't know one another, but I'm writing in the hopes that you'll do what's best for you and heed my warnings. Sadly, I am an EXPERT at picking the wrong man. So I feel confident in saying "snap out of it". You're the only one who thinks this guy is a good idea.
First things first, you my dear are addicted to "being in love", but when it comes to the relationship part or picking a guy with opposable thumbs, you are not so much equipped. Take John Mayer for example, really? I mean it... really? I get it in terms of the sex, which I'm sure was amazing. In fact, I believe he referred to you as sexual napalm, which by the way, was not very gentlemanly. Don't look at me like that, your ass thought chicken of the sea was actual chicken so I feel the need to spell things out for you. Either way, good sex does not a good relationship make. Anyone with five brain cells to rub together, which isn't you apparently, could see John Mayer is not the best choice for a relationship guy. Not to mention, for all of his doggish ways, he seems fairly intelligent and that is not your strong suit, bless your heart. The next time you date someone and let's be clear, despite what you think now, there will be a next time... walk away if the guy has issues of The New Yorker just lying around his place. That guy is not for you. i could say the same about Billy Corrigan... and even your former gay bf, Ken Paves, but more on that later.
Let's get to the matter at hand, Eric, the new fiance. Listen girl, I get it. I've dated white boys and I get how this particular type of white boy has an appeal. Tall, Nordic looking, the kind of guy who can take a girl like you (and me..) not so much a tiny woman and throw you over his shoulder. It's animalistic, hot and fun... and a certain type of woman knows what that is, has great sex and moves on. Another type gets caught up after only six months and finds herself at Neil Lane buying her own engagement ring. Ahem, Jess pick up the white courtesy phone, I'm talking about you.
Dammit girl, let's just do the math. You are worth over a 100MM (I know it's shocking to me as well, but your bags, shoes and jeans make a shitload of cash) and he is worth... considerably less. When you met him he had already failed at the NFL and was in business school at Wharton. Soon after you "fell in love" he quit school and became a professional boyfriend/traveling companion. Because you are mentally challenged, bless your heart, this is not a red flag. But to the rest of us sentient beings it's not just a red flag, but a red goodyear blimp that flies across the sky from coast to coast.
I can almost imagine how the engagement went down, you heard about Nick's engagement and lost your shit... He appeased you by taking you for a walk. You ended up at Neil Lane went inside to browse. He proposed and you purchased your own ring... end of scene.
Can't you see how this is Chernobyl levels of wrong? Do you even know what Chernobyl is? Allow me to sum it up -- nuclear accident + dead people = gah!!!!
Honey, you're not fooling anyone. We can all see that he's using you. Hell, even Poppa Joe with his weird obsession with your cleavage can see it.
And now I hear that you're capping off this awfulness by refusing to sign a pre-nup? That sound you hear is me banging my head onto my desk... hard and often, while I scream "why, why, why"?
It's one thing to marry this guy. It's another not to protect yourself. Love means never having to say "no prenup". Girl, step away from the ruby in a gold setting and listen. Look I get it, you spent your life being the pretty virginal big sister and it got you a record deal and a marginally cute first husband, who loved you, despite your lack of brain capacity. Sadly, you let poppa Joe and the fact that you were too young and too stupid to be married, ruin it. Poof, gone was your marriage, reality show and career. Cut to: your baby sister became acquainted with the wonders of plastic surgery, lip syncing and starvation and before you knew it, she had a marriage/baby. In your mind it was your marriage and baby, cue the Kim Kardashian pity party music. But unlike Kim, you chose not to roll with the punches of your failed planned life and instead chose to marry the first guy who accepted the "new"you. Except Eric isn't accepting anything. I'm sure you've got much to offer. You seem kind, but dim, and really desperate to be a wife and mother.
Before you walk down the aisle, really ask yourself if this makes sense. Ask yourself if risking your friendship w/Ken Paves was worth it. The best part of having a gay bf is the truth telling. Don't you miss that? Don't you miss having a male friend who doesn't want to sleep with you, but wants to keep your weave on point, while at the same time supporting you emotionally? Don't you miss the gay bf who would have told you NOT to do Project Runway and would have thrown himself in front the D train before letting you wear the dress you wore during the finale? Not to mention, while I agree with you that you're not fat, your gay bf is always around to let you know when you're fat adjacent. It's a condition, only known in Hollywood, where you must fear a certain weight b/c you're constantly being photographed and the camera adds so much weight.
So I write all of this to say that I support you, as I was once a 30 year old woman without a man and none in sight. But I didn't assuage my fears by shitting on my ex-husband's new fiance's news about their engagement. You really screwed with the girlfriend's code of ethics by announcing your engagement mere hours after Vanessa'. But sadly, your announcement looked embarrassing, not cool. I'm just saying... The good news is it ain't over until your "not so much fat, but definitely thicker self, sings".
Heed my warning, he will knock you up a couple of times before you realize you've been Federlined. But unlike Britney's ex, there will be no pre-nup and no undercover good guy who'll want the best for you, once you scratch the surface.
Don't marry this guy, you may not be smart, aware or savvy, but you seem sweet. I'd hate to see you taken advantage of. But if you're gonna do it, at least get a pre-nup, the designers who work for you and the children who make your clothes have worked too hard for you to piss it all away.
I kid because I love,
Yolonda
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sarah Palin, I watch so you don't have to and because I'm apparently a masochist...
Sarah Palin's Alaska -- Ep #1, I Watch So You Don't have to... though if you'd like to watch EP#2, thus preventing me from using a staple to gouge out my left eye, you are more than welcome... I'm just sayin... 9pm (pst) first things first Sarah P aka "Moronica" states that she loves Alaska "like she loves her family," which of course leads me to wonder if she'll be soon quitting her family to "grift across America" as she did when she quit her job as Gov. of Alaska. 9:03pm -- opening shot of her family doing their best "J. Crew, we are white, good-looking and we hunt/fish/swim" imitation. As the credits role I find myself asking, "Who the fuck is buying this shit?" And... if I know them is it okay to immediately disown them for the crime of being too stupid for respiration? 9:05pm -- Damn --- or what I like to call Jesus on a pogo-stick, Sara is "reading" and instructs us that she likes to her "researching" on her back porch it seems. Though I have to ask what the hell kind of "researching/reading?" requires long looks towards your lake and not the limited number of reading materials in front of you? Gawd, it's been five minutes and already my hatred for this twit is boundless. 9:10pm (ish) -- Ms. Palin and her oddly obsequious husband complain about Joe Mcginnis moving next door, "invading her family's prvacy" and forcing Todd to build a 14"fence. Oh and she also implies that Joe is a pedophile. What's worse, she's complaining about her lack of privacy to the tv crew who's been hired to follow her around!!!!!! 9:15-For-EVAH (or 9:30is) They do some unrealistic "family stuff" which includes fishing and hanging out with a bear. At some point I'm assaulted with the following quote "The only thing more frustrating than note catching a fish, is watching Todd catching a fish." WTF??? Excuse me if spraign my eyes from rolling them -- did the person who spent 175K on CLOTHES courtesy of the Republican Nat'l Committee just say that? Shit... I paused the tape and rewound - guess what? she said it and she did it in that screechy "hide your husbands and your children" voice. Apologies to A. Dodson. 9:30 to the end--- Gawd help me-- not sure if it's fair to type those words since I don't believe in God, per se... but whatever, this ain't about me. Guess what? I don't have the stamina to continue this farce. I'll continue tomorrow. So be on the lookout for failed "momma grizzly" references. more slanderous/libelous allegations about the reporter "next door" and lastly, i may need to discuss Bristol's recent weight gain... y'all know what I mean. I'm sorry the last time a DWTS contestant gained weight? I"ll take 1990 "never" for 1000k Alex. I'm just saying... okay... i'm back guys just finished watching. Funny how much easier it was to watch with the benefit of the ole' fast forward button 9:20 (sorry forget this part last night) Sarah and her family basically harass a couple of grizzly bears, while she uses them as a reference to Momma Grizzlies. Get it? She's like the grizzly protecting America from Soshulism, all while quitting her job. 9:27 Sarah tells Willow her boyfriend "no boys upstairs", which seems to me are words that Bristol may have benefited from. It doesn't because the boyfriend ignores Momma Grizzly and goes upstairs anyway. When even 17 year old boys don't respect you, how can you be an effective world lea-- oh, never mind DEATH PANELS!!! Thhat's why. 9:30-9:40 Introduction to the TV studio out back that Todd helped build, because every Presidential candidate needs one of those... And the entire family goes on a road trip, including her parents, to a national park. Apparently her family is the Patridge Family because if my eyes don't deceive me they're driving around in a family bus. Dear God, help me if they break out into song. Also, at some point while on the bus Todd chimes in about taxation, something to do with business and dice. Hell if I know what the fuck he means... 9:45pm Todd and Sarah climb a glacier together. Sarah waxes on about mother nature... who cares? She and Todd bicker the whole way up the damn thing...At some point, she stands over a crevass, as omminous music plays. Am I supposed to believe for a second she's in danger of falling in? Oh TLC you slay me with your anvil like editing tactics. 9:47 until the end of the show -- Sarah is still on the damn glacier, while at the same time telling us the show isn't about her. It's about Alaska and her love for her state, which then begs the question if you love it so damned much why'd you quit being governor. 10:00 She and Todd get off the damn glacier and go home. The end. Okay, I want that hour back. |
Sarah Palin's Alaska -- Ep #1, I Watch So You Don't have to... though if you'd like to watch EP#2, thus preventing me from using a staple to gouge out my left eye, you are more than welcome... I'm just sayin...
9pm (pst) first things first Sarah P aka "Moronica" states that she loves Alaska "like she loves her family," which of course leads me to wonder if she'll be soon quitting her family to "grift across America" as she did when she quit her job as Gov. of Alaska.
9:03pm -- opening shot of her family doing their best "J. Crew, we are white, good-looking and we hunt/fish/swim" imitation. As the credits role I find myself asking, "Who the fuck is buying this shit?" And... if I know them is it okay to immediately disown them for the crime of being too stupid for respiration?
9:05pm -- Damn --- or what I like to call Jesus on a pogo-stick, Sara is "reading" and instructs us that she likes to her "researching" on her back porch it seems. Though I have to ask what the hell kind of "researching/reading?" requires long looks towards your lake and not the limited number of reading materials in front of you? Gawd, it's been five minutes and already my hatred for this twit is boundless.
9:10pm (ish) -- Ms. Palin and her oddly obsequious husband complain about Joe Mcginnis moving next door, "invading her family's prvacy" and forcing Todd to build a 14"fence. Oh and she also implies that Joe is a pedophile. What's worse, she's complaining about her lack of privacy to the tv crew who's been hired to follow her around!!!!!!
9:15-For-EVAH (or 9:30is) They do some unrealistic "family stuff" which includes fishing and hanging out with a bear. At some point I'm assaulted with the following quote "The only thing more frustrating than note catching a fish, is watching Todd catching a fish." WTF??? Excuse me if spraign my eyes from rolling them -- did the person who spent 175K on CLOTHES courtesy of the Republican Nat'l Committee just say that? Shit... I paused the tape and rewound - guess what? she said it and she did it in that screechy "hide your husbands and your children" voice. Apologies to A. Dodson.
9:30 to the end--- Gawd help me-- not sure if it's fair to type those words since I don't believe in God, per se... but whatever, this ain't about me. Guess what? I don't have the stamina to continue this farce. I'll continue tomorrow. So be on the lookout for failed "momma grizzly" references. more slanderous/libelous allegations about the reporter "next door" and lastly, i may need to discuss Bristol's recent weight gain... y'all know what I mean. I'm sorry the last time a DWTS contestant gained weight? I"ll take 1990 "never" for 1000k Alex. I'm just saying...
9:03pm -- opening shot of her family doing their best "J. Crew, we are white, good-looking and we hunt/fish/swim" imitation. As the credits role I find myself asking, "Who the fuck is buying this shit?" And... if I know them is it okay to immediately disown them for the crime of being too stupid for respiration?
9:05pm -- Damn --- or what I like to call Jesus on a pogo-stick, Sara is "reading" and instructs us that she likes to her "researching" on her back porch it seems. Though I have to ask what the hell kind of "researching/reading?" requires long looks towards your lake and not the limited number of reading materials in front of you? Gawd, it's been five minutes and already my hatred for this twit is boundless.
9:10pm (ish) -- Ms. Palin and her oddly obsequious husband complain about Joe Mcginnis moving next door, "invading her family's prvacy" and forcing Todd to build a 14"fence. Oh and she also implies that Joe is a pedophile. What's worse, she's complaining about her lack of privacy to the tv crew who's been hired to follow her around!!!!!!
9:15-For-EVAH (or 9:30is) They do some unrealistic "family stuff" which includes fishing and hanging out with a bear. At some point I'm assaulted with the following quote "The only thing more frustrating than note catching a fish, is watching Todd catching a fish." WTF??? Excuse me if spraign my eyes from rolling them -- did the person who spent 175K on CLOTHES courtesy of the Republican Nat'l Committee just say that? Shit... I paused the tape and rewound - guess what? she said it and she did it in that screechy "hide your husbands and your children" voice. Apologies to A. Dodson.
9:30 to the end--- Gawd help me-- not sure if it's fair to type those words since I don't believe in God, per se... but whatever, this ain't about me. Guess what? I don't have the stamina to continue this farce. I'll continue tomorrow. So be on the lookout for failed "momma grizzly" references. more slanderous/libelous allegations about the reporter "next door" and lastly, i may need to discuss Bristol's recent weight gain... y'all know what I mean. I'm sorry the last time a DWTS contestant gained weight? I"ll take 1990 "never" for 1000k Alex. I'm just saying...
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Go read a book you illiterate Son of a B*tch or How do you stop an idiot like Sarah Palin
With a Hat tip to Booman @ http://www.boomantribune.com/ for not only bringing the following to my attention, but for taking the time, which i'm sure was excruciating, to distilling her ghost-written word salad into 11 bullet points, allow me to add my two cents. I'll address each accordingly:
1. Defund ObamaCare.
2. Eliminate earmarks.
3. Make it procedurally easier to cut taxes than to raise them.
4. Enforce zero-based budgeting.
5. Cancel all unstarted stimulus programs.
6. Return all non-discretionary spending to 2008 levels (she may have meant discretionary spending).
7. Extend all of Bush's tax cuts indefinitely.
8. Control the growth of Entitlement spending.
9. Control the borders, but decouple it from immigration reform.
10. Continue our efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan.
11. Get tough with Iran.
12. Sign free-trade agreements with South Korea and Colombia.
13. Oppose ratification of the START treaty.
14. Side with Netanyahu's position that all of Jerusalem is part of Israel, and that no building in East Jerusalem can be considered settlement expansion.
15. Keep Guantanamo prison open and deny all prisoners there access to the courts.
16. Return to Bush's freedom agenda.
17. If anyone in the press praises your actions, do a reappraisal because you've probably gone off-track.
by BooMan
Sat Nov 13th, 2010 at 09:49:18 AM EST
Sat Nov 13th, 2010 at 09:49:18 AM EST
People have struggled to define what the Tea Party stands for, but Sarah Palin has provided amanifesto for the incoming freshmen. She starts with the conceit that the results of the midterm elections have put the government back on the side of the people. But she quickly disabuses us of that belief. I will list Palin's priorities for you, so you don't have to read her entire screed.
15. Keep Guantanamo prison open and deny all prisoners there access to the courts.
1. Defund ObamaCare.
Because making sure that millions of Americans have health insurance is a threat to our nation when you're a selfish, entitled idiot. I have one word for you FORMER HALF-TERM GOVERNOR: Medicare --an entitlement program Republicans initially HATED WITH EVERY FIBER OF THEIR BEING, but now claim to love. Guess what? Years from now, you'll be doing the same thing with Obamacare. Not to mention your hypocritical ass has a grandson, Tripp Palin Johnston with socialized health care through Indian Health Services and the Alaska Native Medical Center. Another case of healthcare for me or me and me/mine but not for thee...
2. Eliminate earmarks.
Excuse me, in 2008 while Governor Alaska she sent to Sen. Ted. Stevens, R-Alaska, a proposal for 31 earmarks totaling $197 million — more, per person, than any other state
3. Make it procedurally easier to cut taxes than to raise them.
3. Make it procedurally easier to cut taxes than to raise them.
What? 4. Enforce zero-based budgeting.
5. Cancel all unstarted stimulus programs.
5. Cancel all unstarted stimulus programs.
Cancel jobs? Okay then...
6. Return all non-discretionary spending to 2008 levels? Will give her a pass, she may have meant discretionary spending?
7. Extend all of Bush's tax cuts indefinitely.
6. Return all non-discretionary spending to 2008 levels? Will give her a pass, she may have meant discretionary spending?
7. Extend all of Bush's tax cuts indefinitely.
Because THAT WILL CUT SPENDING? OR NOT!!!
8. Control the growth of Entitlement spending.
8. Control the growth of Entitlement spending.
B/C CUTTING INCREASING TAXES ON THE WEALTHY AND CORPORATIONS WON'T ACCOMPLISH THIS BETTER -- SEE AMERICA PRIOR TO REAGONOMICS.
9. Control the borders, but decouple it from immigration reform.
9. Control the borders, but decouple it from immigration reform.
THE border are controlled. Last time I checked, there weren't an influx of Canadians streaming into America. As for Mexico, again the borders are controlled, in fact under the Obama admin. we've had more deportations than ever.
As for immigration reform, republicans keep following Sarah's advice, it's the reason why you lost the Colorado, California and Nevada and senate seats. Please continue... it only helps my side.10. Continue our efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Why are we listening to you? You couldn't handle being Alaska's governor.
11. Get tough with Iran.
Specifics? Because from where I stand, they can't make a nuclear bomb for years.12. Sign free-trade agreements with South Korea and Colombia.
Because NaFTA has worked so well.
13. Oppose ratification of the START treaty.
13. Oppose ratification of the START treaty.
But wait, your hero Ronnie Reagan proposed exactly what Obama is proposing. So what? Reagan was rong.
14. Side with Netanyahu's position that all of Jerusalem is part of Israel, and that no building in East Jerusalem can be considered settlement expansion.
14. Side with Netanyahu's position that all of Jerusalem is part of Israel, and that no building in East Jerusalem can be considered settlement expansion.
Thanks but no thanks. Ask the average, non religious Isreali, what they think of your plan.
15. Keep Guantanamo prison open and deny all prisoners there access to the courts.
Sorry no... we have what's called the rule of law in America and everyone is entitled to be tried by a jury of their peers.
16. Return to Bush's freedom agenda.
What does that mean? If it requires a "mission accomplished" banner, then I pass.
17. If anyone in the press praises your actions, do a reappraisal because you've probably gone off-track.
You represent your constituents... how about this? have the balls to face all people of the press, as they represent the "people"... ex: the folks you work for.
I'm just saying this chick makes me stabby... UGH!!!
1. Defund ObamaCare.
2. Eliminate earmarks.
3. Make it procedurally easier to cut taxes than to raise them.
4. Enforce zero-based budgeting.
5. Cancel all unstarted stimulus programs.
6. Return all non-discretionary spending to 2008 levels (she may have meant discretionary spending).
7. Extend all of Bush's tax cuts indefinitely.
8. Control the growth of Entitlement spending.
9. Control the borders, but decouple it from immigration reform.
10. Continue our efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan.
11. Get tough with Iran.
12. Sign free-trade agreements with South Korea and Colombia.
13. Oppose ratification of the START treaty.
14. Side with Netanyahu's position that all of Jerusalem is part of Israel, and that no building in East Jerusalem can be considered settlement expansion.
15. Keep Guantanamo prison open and deny all prisoners there access to the courts.
16. Return to Bush's freedom agenda.
17. If anyone in the press praises your actions, do a reappraisal because you've probably gone off-track.
Friday, November 12, 2010
An Open Letter to Jennifer Aniston
Jen,
May I call you Jen? I feel like I know you girl. We're both from NYC -- okay I'm from Brooklyn, the superior borough, but I try not to judge. Like you I'm a child of the 70s, you're older but not by much. So I feel confident in saying we've got similar childhood touchstone. Therefore, with all that we have in common, I feel like you wouldn't mind a little bit of friendly advice... no more rom-coms. Look, I get it, forty looms large for me and I'm pretty certain I won't be happy when it arrives. But there's a comes a time when as an actress you're just too old for certain parts. Jen, we've reached that time and I don't say this to be mean. I say this because frankly, most rom coms these days are awful. Gone are the "His Girl Friday's" of the world or even the "When Harry Met Sally's" of the World.
Since Hollywood, no longer knows what to do with women over forty, at least as it comes to features, might I suggest you go back to your home -- television. I know I know... but take a page out of your BFF's book. Courtney is going wonderfully on "Cougar Town." But maybe expand your horizon and do one hour series, something like the female version of "House", someone not all together likeable -- a character that would allow you stretch.
I advise because I love.
May I call you Jen? I feel like I know you girl. We're both from NYC -- okay I'm from Brooklyn, the superior borough, but I try not to judge. Like you I'm a child of the 70s, you're older but not by much. So I feel confident in saying we've got similar childhood touchstone. Therefore, with all that we have in common, I feel like you wouldn't mind a little bit of friendly advice... no more rom-coms. Look, I get it, forty looms large for me and I'm pretty certain I won't be happy when it arrives. But there's a comes a time when as an actress you're just too old for certain parts. Jen, we've reached that time and I don't say this to be mean. I say this because frankly, most rom coms these days are awful. Gone are the "His Girl Friday's" of the world or even the "When Harry Met Sally's" of the World.
Since Hollywood, no longer knows what to do with women over forty, at least as it comes to features, might I suggest you go back to your home -- television. I know I know... but take a page out of your BFF's book. Courtney is going wonderfully on "Cougar Town." But maybe expand your horizon and do one hour series, something like the female version of "House", someone not all together likeable -- a character that would allow you stretch.
I advise because I love.
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